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Christmas Central - Holiday Humor

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet

What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

He had low elf esteem

Why does Santa go down the chimney?

Because it soots him.

Why did the elves let the turkey join their band?

Because they needed someone with drumsticks.

What does Santa like to eat?

A jolly roll

What does Tarzan sing at Christmas time?

Jungle Bells!

What is the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the ordinary one?

The Christmas one has NO EL.

What was so good about the neurotic doll the little girl received for Christmas?

It was already wound up

Two brothers are we, belonging to Santa, Great burdens we bear by which we are bitterly pressed; The truth is to say we are full all the day and empty when we go to bed. are we?

Santa's boots

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After the perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas Eve, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. 

Unfortunately, driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Clause had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?


Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as the perfect man.

***Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

***Men, read the next block of words.


Men: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa, the perfect woman must have been driving, which explains why there was an accident in the first place.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it only serves to illustrate another point, women never listen either.

Christmas Carols

Do you know your Christmas Carols? Can you guess the names of the carols from the sample of lyrics below. Answers following.

  1. a beautiful sight, we're happy tonight

  2. sleep in heavenly peace

  3. out jumps good ol' Santa Claus

  4. in the air there's a feeling of Christmas

  5. don we now our gay apparel

  6. a child shivers in the cold

  7. was a fairy tale they say

  8. as they shouted out with glee

  9. joyful all ye nations rise

  10. if only in my dreams

  11. the star are brightly shining

  12. the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh

  13. oh fun it is to ride

  14. they didn't see me creep



  1. Winter Wonderland

  2. Silent Night

  3. Up on the housetop

  4. Silver Bells

  5. Deck the Halls

  6. Do you hear I hear

  7. Frosty, the Snowman

  8. Rudolph, the Red-nose Reindeer

  9. Hark! the Herald Angels Sing

  10. I'll be home for Christmas

  11. O Holy Night

  12. Over the River and Through the Woods

  13. Jingle Bells

  14. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

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