Apple to the Core - Jokes & Funnies

Apple to the Core

A Little Humor....

Men are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

The 36 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right
now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply .

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C. L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road = poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry - it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France - resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song, because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches, will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge - you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair - she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Diary of a Mad Wife...

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still in great shape since my track and field days some 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Damon, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Damon waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, seductive eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Damon gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his gym top and bulging shorts. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today Very inspiring. Damon was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Damon made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air and then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Damon's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I ran over the gym manager in the parking lot.

Damon was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for this early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so he put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Damon told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday:

Damon was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Damon took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's change room. He sent Cheryl to find me, and then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Damon more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world - stupid, masochistic gym-jock. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. He wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the frickin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich, which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the nutrition advisor. Why couldn't it have been someone big and soft, like an ice-cream salesman or a fireman?

Saturday:

Damon left a message on my answering machine in his grating, whining voice, wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my rolling pin. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the bastard) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a pap smear.

Nova Awards

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

Do I Smell???

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

Stuff You Don't Really Need to Know.....

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

3. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

5. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

6. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

7. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

8. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

9. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top or "upper crust."

10. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

11. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !

A Fun Quiz (Answers at the end)

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe and the bottle is genuine, it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them.

8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other six.

11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."

QUIT CHEATING

"Answers To Quiz"

1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Baseball.

5. Strawberry.

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe,
they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

11. Lettuce.

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts

Really Stupid Jokes (but they'll crack you up)

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer, please, and one for the road."
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" says Daisy.
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy"
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

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Truisms

1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños -- you never know what's going to burn your ass.

2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

7) My reality check bounced.

8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier !

10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo. too true eh!

12) Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

14) Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

15) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

22) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

New Words

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass...

Silly State Mottos

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It...Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most TaxBrackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unibomber, Right-Wing Crazies,And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!

Andy Rooney's Tips for Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!!
(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.

(3) Another Good Idea: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

Cool Palindromes

Madam, I'm Adam.
Live not on evil.
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live.
Do not start at rats to nod.
Reviled did I live, said I, as evil I did deliver.
Pull up if I pull up.
Some men interpret nine memos.
No misses ordered roses, Simon.
Niagara, o roar again.
Yawn a more Roman way.
Lew, Otto has a hot towel!
Not New York, Roy went on.
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.
A Fool, A Tool, A Pool; LOOPALOOTALOOFA!
A man, a plan, a canal - Panama!
Able was I ere I saw Elba
Napoleon before he met his Waterloo
Dennis and Edna sinned
Dennis sinned
Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?
Doc, note I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod
Drat Saddam mad dastard
Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age
Eros' sis is sore
Eros? Sidney, my end is sore!
evil i did dwell, lewd did i live
Go deliver a dare, vile dog
God lived as a devil dog
He goddam mad dog, eh?
He won't, ah, wander, Edna. What now, eh?
Lepers repel
Live dirt up a side track carted is a putrid evil
Live evil
Ma is a nun, as I am
Madam, in Eden I'm Adam
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Murder for a jar of red rum
Never odd or even
No misses ordered roses, Simon
Paget saw an Irish tooth, Sir, in a waste gap
Rats drown in WordStar
Rats live on no evil star
Red rum, sir, is murder
Rise to vote, sir
Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas
Sit on a potato pan Otis!
Step on no pets
Straw no too stupid I put soot on warts
Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus
Was it a rat I saw?
"Yreka Bakery"

And what idiot said that??

"We don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't even got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Getting Rid of Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? Any kind of blood...?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel! smiling of course... [If nothing else, just thinking of this list the next time one calls you, you may begin to laugh out loud, which is sure to upset their concentration.]

More Amusing Bumper Stickers

I get enough exercise just from pushing my luck.

Pride is what you have. Vanity is what others have.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I just let him sleep.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

No radio - already stolen

IRS - We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Musings

*Why beat around the bush when you can go right through it?

*Children learn what they live, men usually have to be retrained.

*Life is like surfing, you might catch a good wave and it will be a fun ride, but watch out for those sharks.

*People with large noses can smell the better things in life.

*If you have sex with a Siamese twin, is it considered a threesome?

*Christmas is like having a bad cold. Some people are very happy when it is all over and done with.

*Eat, drink, and be fat and drunk.

*Why are sports grounds called stands when everyone sits?

*If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. If it still doesn't work, redefine success.

*Where there's a will there's a way, but what if your name is Will?

*No matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor!

*Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.

*Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.

*I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

*Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

*If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

*I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

*When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

*Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

*I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

*Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

*If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

*I see your IQ test results were negative.

*Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

*When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

*Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

*The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

*Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

*I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

*Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling alleys.

*After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

*I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

*Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

*No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

*I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

*How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

*How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

*Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

*Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

*The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

*Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.

*When life throws you stones, throw them back!

*The killer that is about to call you, is already in your home.

*At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.

*It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it!

*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire!

*Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do no walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone!

*It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others!

*It it far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help!

*If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!

*If ignorance is bliss... then why aren't more people happy?

*If you are too poor to pay attention, opt for the installment plan.

*People would not worry so much about what other people think about them if they only knew how seldom they do.

Andy Rooney

Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

A handy guide to identifying a driver's geographic origins:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn - Chicago
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window - New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting
across all lanes of traffic - New Jersey
4. One hand on wheel , one on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator - Boston
5, One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator- Los Angeles
6. Both hands on wheel , eyes squeeze shut, both feet on brakes, quivering in terror - Ohio, but driving in California!
7. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brakes, mind on game - Seattle
8. Both hands clutching wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, doing 25 on a 75 interstate in the left hand lane with right blinkers on - Florida

Insanity In The Workplace: A How To Guide

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.

1 .Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5. "Highlight" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

10. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

A man goes to the movies, looks around and finds only three empty seats with a man sprawled across them. Hey buddy, the man says, 'Get up , so I can sit down' The man looks up out of squinted eyes and says, 'Uhhhhh' 'Come On, get up', the man says again. Again the response was the same 'Uhhhhh'. 'Ok the mans says, I'm getting the manager'. The manager comes in. Tells the guy to get off the seats but gets only the same response 'Uhhhh.' With that, the manager tells the guy in the seats he is getting a cop. Cop comes in and says to the guy 'Hey bud, get outta the seats'. Same response 'Uhhhhh'. Cop says, 'I'm going to arrest you!' Same response, 'Uhhhhhh'. Ok the cop says, 'What's your name?' Response: 'Irving'. Cop says, 'Where are you from?' Man responds: 'The balcony'.

What Some Guys Wish They Could Say!

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really, you have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the #### they're saying anyway).

Check your oil, Water and Tires Too!

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!

Dateline 2050

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly charges.
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Baby Conceived Naturally
It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays
Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun"
Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past with US President.
Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This is true love," he beams.
Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.
President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In Cage Match.
Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
Authentic "Year 2000 Florida Chad" Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

And the most 'expected' HEADLINE in the YEAR 2050?

NURSING HOME LAWSUIT CASE: CLINTON DENIES CANDY STRIPER'S ALLEGATIONS

You know you're a redneck when............

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody says you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

3rd Grade

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.” The next
day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?” he asked. ”No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

More Stupid Criminals

The following is a true story from San Francisco:

A man wanted to rob a downtown Bank of America, so he walked into the branch and wrote on a deposit slip: "This is a stikkup. Put all you muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that we would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man left.

The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Cousin Jake is sitting in his house when the door bell unexpectedly rings. He answers the door and finds a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Jake asks. "It's a thermos." the salesman replies. "What does it do?" asks Jake. "This baby," the salesman says, "keeps hot thing hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation, Jake buys one, deciding it would really help with his lunch situation. The next day he arrives at work with his new thermos. Sure enough, all his coworkers are curious about his new object. "What is it?" they ask. "It's a thermos," Jake replies. "What does it do?" they ask. "Well," Jake says in a bragging manner, "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." They ask, "so what you got in it?" to which Cousin Jake replies "Three cups of coffee and a lemon popsicle."

This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and pen. Try it, it's weird.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What's the total?

Did you get 5000?

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The correct answer is 4100. Don't believe it? Check with a calculator. The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimal. (100s instead of 10s)

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has in getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, as he take a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between you cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," say the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Absolutely Useless information:

It's impossible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grow in New Jersey.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

Actual Label Instructions

On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping
On bags of Fritos: Your could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a box of Dial Soap: Directions: Use like regular soap
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head
On A Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down (printed on the bottom of box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body
On Bott's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of Children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be uses for other uses.
On Sainbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs like beer.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

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