Apple to the Core
A Little Humor....
Men are Just Happier
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for
lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they
will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and
John will each throw in $20, even though
it's only for $32.50. None of them will
have anything smaller and none will
actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out
come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom:
toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a
The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than
20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he
will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that
she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping,
water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get
A man will dress up for weddings and
Men wake up as good-looking as they
went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the
Ah, children. A woman knows all
about her children. She knows about
dental appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering
the same thing!
Rules of Life
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they
don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
anymore than standing in a garage makes you a
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick
the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room
with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion
that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and
opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the
speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your
other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and
throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables
you to recognize a mistake when you make it
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they
move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice
contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look
26. If you had to identify in one word the
reason why the human race has not achieved it's
full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby'
and 'mental illness.'
28. People who want to share their religious
views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just
get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe
33. You will never find anybody who can give you
a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests that you think she's
pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that deep down
inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
I wondered why the baseball was getting
bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care, where
a three-year-old was resisting a
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and
got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because
they always multiply .
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C. L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the
blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you
could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road = poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get
With her marriage she got a new name and a
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry - it goes back four
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France -
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down
He broke into song, because he couldn't find the
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory, which was never
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches, will
be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've
seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge - you are in
When she saw her first strands of gray hair -
she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Diary of a Mad Wife...
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local gym
for me. Although I am still in great shape since my
track and field days some 25 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the gym and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Damon, who identified himself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The gym encouraged me to
keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Damon waiting for me. He is something of a
Greek god - with blond hair, seductive eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Damon gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his
gym top and bulging shorts. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class
after my workout today Very inspiring. Damon was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Damon made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air and then he put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Damon's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I ran over the gym manager in the parking
Damon was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too
perky for this early in the morning and when he scolds,
he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so he put me on
the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Damon told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Damon was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late;
it took me that long to tie my shoes. Damon took me to
work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the women's change room. He sent Cheryl to
find me, and then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine - which I sank.
I hate that bastard Damon more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world - stupid, masochistic gym-jock. If there was a
part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
would beat him with it. He wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the frickin' barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich, which I am
sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me
off and I landed on the nutrition advisor. Why couldn't
it have been someone big and soft, like an ice-cream
salesman or a fireman?
Damon left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, whining voice, wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the
machine with my rolling pin. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my husband (the bastard) will
choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or
a pap smear.
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova
Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco
in trying to market this car in Central and South
America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it
The Dairy Association's huge success with the
campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand
advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their
attention the Spanish translation read "Are you
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into
Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux
used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing
sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling
iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is
slang for manure. Not too many people had use for
the "Manure Stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in
Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US,
with the smiling baby on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies routinely put
pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many
people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France
called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed
shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the
Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa),
the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation"
translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back
From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as
"Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or
"female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the
dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to
find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating
into "happiness in the mouth."
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a
strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated
into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in
Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It
won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It
won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its
new leather first class seats in the Mexican market,
it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign
literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero)
control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with
olive oil before washing it. Worried that the
oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair
several times. That night when I went to bed, I
leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell
like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like
Don't Really Need to Know.....
The next time you are washing your hands and
complain because the water temperature isn't
just how you like it, think about how things
used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
1. Most people got married in June because they
took their yearly bath in
May, and still smelled pretty good by
June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor. Hence the custom
today of carrying a bouquet when getting
2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot
water. The man of the house had the privilege of
the nice clean water, then all the other sons
and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
3. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled
high, with no wood underneath. It was the only
place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in
the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and off the
roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
4. There was nothing to stop things from falling
into the house. This posed a real problem in the
bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with
big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded
some protection. That's how canopy beds came
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had
something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy
had slate floors that would get slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw)
on floor to help keep their footing. As the
winter wore on, they added more thresh until
when you opened the door it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen
with a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to
get cold overnight and then start over the next
day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been
there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine
7. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made
them feel quite special. When visitors came
over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could
"bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit
around and "chew the fat."
8. Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the
lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning death. This happened most often with
tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so,
tomatoes were considered poisonous.
9. Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the
family got the middle, and guests got the top or
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers
out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and
wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding
England is old and small and the local folks
started running out of places to bury people. So
they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive. So they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin
and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for
the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that
History was boring !
A Fun Quiz
(Answers at the end)
1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators
nor the participants know the score or the leader until the
contest ends. What is it?
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must
be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in
possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team
can score without touching the ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy
pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is
whole and ripe and the bottle is genuine, it hasn't been cut
in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the
letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them.
8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los
10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach
first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a
walk) is one way. Name the other six.
11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold
frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but
fresh. What is it?
12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet
that begin with the letter "S."
"Answers To Quiz"
2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half
feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water
that rush over it every minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed
over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place
on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole
growing season. When the pears are ripe,
they are snipped off at the stems.
7. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen,
apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation
marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces and ellipses.
9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the
Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher
interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice;
and being designated as a pinch runner.
12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates,
snowshoes, stockings, stilts
Really Stupid Jokes (but they'll crack you up)
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
"A beer, please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" says Daisy.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
1) Life isn't like a box of
chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños -- you never know
what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially
like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll
tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing
a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are
you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude
problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking
up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell
is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always
keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I
am a carrier !
10) You are slower than a herd of
turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's
weirdo. too true eh!
12) Never argue with an idiot..
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
13) Be careful . . .a pat on the
back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable - if
you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
15) The more crap you put up with,
the more crap you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home
. . . Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service. If
no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to
order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh
at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast
lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
22) What should you give a man who
has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
23) How can you tell which bottle
contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one
got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
Silly State Mottos
- Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
- Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
- Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
- Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
- California: By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda
- Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
- Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The
Kennedy's Don't Own It...Yet
- Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals
In Our Water
- Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
- Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In
- Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
- Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well
Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
- Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
- Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
- Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
- Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
- Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen
- Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun
Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
- Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have
- Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax
- Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than
Sweden's (For Most TaxBrackets)
- Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The
- Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And
- Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About
Your Own State
- Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax
Dollars At Work
- Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The
Unibomber, Right-Wing Crazies,And Very Little Else
- Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto
- Nevada: Poker!
- New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
- New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I
Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
- New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
- New York: You Have The Right To Remain
Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
- North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
- North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50
- Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
- Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
- Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For
- Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
- Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
- South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender
- South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
- Tennessee: The Educashun State
- Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak
- Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
- Vermont: Yep
- Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And
Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
- Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds
- Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
- West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...
- Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
- Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the
sheep are scared!
Tips for Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work!!
(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead
of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so
much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep"
tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which
has efficiently completed its task. These three little words
will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the
other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes
phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the
phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one
there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6
or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that
dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Since
doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.
(3) Another Good Idea: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone
or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the
sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not
throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It
costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they
receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around
50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the
weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk
mail and put it in these
cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send
a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that
day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on
anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to
keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting
their own junk back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and
best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that
e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they
need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----have been doing
this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
- Madam, I'm Adam.
- Live not on evil.
- Was it a car or a cat I saw?
- Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live.
- Do not start at rats to nod.
- Reviled did I live, said I, as evil I did deliver.
- Pull up if I pull up.
- Some men interpret nine memos.
- No misses ordered roses, Simon.
- Niagara, o roar again.
- Yawn a more Roman way.
- Lew, Otto has a hot towel!
- Not New York, Roy went on.
- Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.
- A Fool, A Tool, A Pool; LOOPALOOTALOOFA!
- A man, a plan, a canal - Panama!
- Able was I ere I saw Elba
- Napoleon before he met his Waterloo
- Dennis and Edna sinned
- Dennis sinned
- Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?
- Doc, note I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I
diet on cod
- Drat Saddam mad dastard
- Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age
- Eros' sis is sore
- Eros? Sidney, my end is sore!
- evil i did dwell, lewd did i live
- Go deliver a dare, vile dog
- God lived as a devil dog
- He goddam mad dog, eh?
- He won't, ah, wander, Edna. What now, eh?
- Lepers repel
- Live dirt up a side track carted is a putrid evil
- Live evil
- Ma is a nun, as I am
- Madam, in Eden I'm Adam
- May a moody baby doom a yam?
- Murder for a jar of red rum
- Never odd or even
- No misses ordered roses, Simon
- Paget saw an Irish tooth, Sir, in a waste gap
- Rats drown in WordStar
- Rats live on no evil star
- Red rum, sir, is murder
- Rise to vote, sir
- Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas
- Sit on a potato pan Otis!
- Step on no pets
- Straw no too stupid I put soot on warts
- Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts
- Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus
- Was it a rat I saw?
- "Yreka Bakery"
And what idiot said that??
"We don't like their
sound and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co.
rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
This 'telephone' has too
many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of
communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
The wireless music box has
no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent
to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response
to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is
interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a
"C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found
Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to
hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be
Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary
Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With
"A cookie store is a bad
idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes
crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society,
"So we went to Atari and
said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of
your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give
it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work
for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't
even got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve
Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve
Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does
not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to
have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He
seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high
schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"Drill for oil? You mean
drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers
who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil
"I think there's a world
market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the
"The bomb will never go
off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy,
US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles
Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry Guggenheim,
millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached what
looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor
of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting
toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor
of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the
moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De
Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
"Everything that can be
invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S.
Office of Patents, 1899.
Getting Rid of Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you
money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure
use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay
it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my
sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."
When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on
with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to
spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask
them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a
second." few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what
are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?"
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the
most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? Any kind of
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!!
Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer:
"Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against
selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer,
set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you
their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not
allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number
and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most
effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the
person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say,
"Ya! Now you know how I feel! smiling of course... [If nothing
else, just thinking of this list the next time one calls you, you
may begin to laugh out loud, which is sure to upset their
More Amusing Bumper Stickers
I get enough exercise just from pushing my luck.
Pride is what you have. Vanity is what others have.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I just let him sleep.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
No radio - already stolen
IRS - We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
*Why beat around the bush when you can go right through it?
*Children learn what they live, men usually have to be retrained.
*Life is like surfing, you might catch a good wave and it will be a fun ride,
but watch out for those sharks.
*People with large noses can smell the better things in life.
*If you have sex with a Siamese twin, is it considered a threesome?
*Christmas is like having a bad cold. Some people are very happy when it is all
over and done with.
*Eat, drink, and be fat and drunk.
*Why are sports grounds called stands when everyone sits?
*If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. If it still doesn't work,
*Where there's a will there's a way, but what if your name is Will?
*No matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor!
*Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.
*Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.
*I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
*Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you
*If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had
*I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
*When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
*Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
*I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
*Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
*If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
*I see your IQ test results were negative.
*Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
*When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
*Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
*The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
*Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different
*I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind
of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
*Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling alleys.
*After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
*I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
*Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
*No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
*I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
*How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
*How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
*Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
*Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in
a swimming pool?
*I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
*The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
*Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
*When life throws you stones, throw them back!
*The killer that is about to call you, is already in your home.
*At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.
*It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it!
*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
*Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do no walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone!
*It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others!
*It it far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your
*If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!
*If ignorance is bliss... then why aren't more people happy?
*If you are too poor to pay attention, opt for the installment plan.
*People would not worry so much about what other people think about them if they
only knew how seldom they do.
Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in
there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I
mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw
this away for me? Thank You."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married'
(walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the
ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would
that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I
look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women
feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna
feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's
weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have
gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper
sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to
think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl
contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the
chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say
"I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're
voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about
this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one
of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you
are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
A handy guide to identifying a driver's geographic origins:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn - Chicago
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window - New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting
across all lanes of traffic - New Jersey
4. One hand on wheel , one on newspaper, foot solidly
on accelerator - Boston
5, One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator- Los Angeles
6. Both hands on wheel , eyes squeeze shut, both feet on
brakes, quivering in terror - Ohio, but driving in California!
7. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone,
foot on brakes, mind on game - Seattle
8. Both hands clutching wheel, blue hair barely visible above
window level, doing 25 on a 75 interstate in the left hand lane
with right blinkers on - Florida
In The Workplace: A How To Guide
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.
1 .Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender
than you are.)
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only
by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm
I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
5. "Highlight" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your
shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the
meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
10. Insist that your e-mail address be
11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.
12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward
the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and
snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your
snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean
back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than
20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
A man goes to the movies, looks around and finds only three empty seats
with a man sprawled across them.
Hey buddy, the man says, 'Get up , so I can sit down' The man looks up out
of squinted eyes and says,
'Uhhhhh' 'Come On, get up', the man says again. Again the
response was the same 'Uhhhhh'.
'Ok the mans says, I'm getting the manager'. The manager comes in. Tells
the guy to get off the
seats but gets only the same response 'Uhhhh.' With that, the manager
tells the guy in the seats
he is getting a cop. Cop comes in and says to the guy 'Hey bud, get outta
the seats'. Same response 'Uhhhhh'. Cop says, 'I'm going to arrest you!'
Same response, 'Uhhhhhh'. Ok the cop says, 'What's your name?'
Cop says, 'Where are you from?' Man responds: 'The balcony'.
What Some Guys Wish They Could Say!
WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's
up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a
fruit, not a color.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's
Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably
are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is
always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys
fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and
by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries
are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.
Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're
never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine.
Really, you have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on
this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really
obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We
never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What
makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of
thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you
want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to
foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't
really matter what the #### they're saying anyway).
Check your oil, Water and Tires Too!
It is neither in your best interest nor
ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is
inadmissible in argument. All comments become null and void after 7
If something we said can be
interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway;
You can either tell us to do something OR
tell us how to do something, but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags
are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say
"nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're
lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't
mind that, it's like camping!
to Be Readmitted to Union
Executes Last Remaining Citizen
Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly
Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays
and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just
Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past with US
Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This is
true love," he beams.
Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.
"Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad
Dog" Ortega In Cage Match.
Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
"Year 2000 Florida Chad" Sells For $6.9 Million at
And the most 'expected' HEADLINE in the YEAR 2050?
You know you're a redneck
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take
the wheels off.
You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody says you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to
what it is.
You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner,
"and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll
take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two
live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins
to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats
come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster,
and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at
the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one
arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other,
as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the
sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have
any bronze lawyers!"
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test,
his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count
to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few
mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely
well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so
excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad
nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.” The
day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the
alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through
without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the
alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again
bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad,
knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama,
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
overly “well endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad,
“Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than
theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?” he asked. ”No, son,”
explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”
More Stupid Criminals
The following is a true story from San Francisco:
A man wanted to rob a downtown Bank of America, so he
walked into the branch and wrote on a deposit slip: "This is a
stikkup. Put all you muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note
to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling
errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that
she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip, and that we would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who
arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
Cousin Jake is sitting in his house when the door bell unexpectedly rings.
He answers the door and finds a salesman standing on his porch with a strange
object. "What is that?" Jake asks. "It's a thermos." the
salesman replies. "What does it do?" asks Jake. "This
baby," the salesman says, "keeps hot thing hot and cold things
cold." After some deliberation, Jake buys one, deciding it would really
help with his lunch situation. The next day he arrives at work with his new
thermos. Sure enough, all his coworkers are curious about his new object.
"What is it?" they ask. "It's a thermos," Jake replies.
"What does it do?" they ask. "Well," Jake says in a
bragging manner, "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
They ask, "so what you got in it?" to which Cousin Jake replies
"Three cups of coffee and a lemon popsicle."
| This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using
paper and pen. Try it, it's weird.
- Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
- Now add another 1000.
- Now add 30.
- Now add 20.
- Now add another 1000.
- Now add 10.
What's the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is 4100. Don't believe it? Check with a
calculator. The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps
to the highest decimal. (100s instead of 10s)
A man enters
a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has in getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, as he take a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between you
cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the
barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks, "And what if I swallow
it?" "No problem," say the barber. "Just bring it
back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Absolutely Useless information:
It's impossible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and
Budweiser, in that order.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the
sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy
dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western
Union to test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grow in New Jersey.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Actual Label Instructions
- On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping
- On bags of Fritos: Your could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
- On a box of Dial Soap: Directions: Use like regular soap
- On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head
- On A Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down (printed on the
bottom of box)
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after
- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body
- On Bott's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate
- On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness
- On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of Children
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only.
- On a Japanese food processor: Not to be uses for other uses.
- On Sainbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts
- On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
- Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
- Dogs think you sing great.
- A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
- Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
- Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
- Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
- Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
- Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
- A dog's parents never visit.
- Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for
- Dogs like beer.
- No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
- Dogs never expect gifts.
- Dogs don't worry about germs.
- Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a
- You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a
- Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
- Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
- Dogs never want foot-rubs.
- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
- Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.